"Let us not waste our time in idle discourse! (Pause. Vehemently.) Let us do
something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed.
But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we
like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late"
[Vladamir, 'Waiting for Godot', Beckett]
Just thought, oh assembled (whether in presence or absence)
wordsmiththinkers, that the following from a recent Guardian might set a few
sparklers into orbit whilst weightier matters stir on the margins...
regards
michaelP
__________________________________________________________
Guardian | Take our word for it
http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,3858,5033695-103425,00.html
Friday, October 15, 2004
TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT
Can a dictionary be a political act? That was certainly the intention when
some of the best-known writers in the US rushed into print with some
provocatively defined new words, intending to stir things up in the
presidential election
Saturday October 9, 2004
The Guardian
The four editors, Jonathan Safran Foer, Dave Eggers, Nicole Krauss and Eli
Horowitz, conceived of The Future Dictionary Of America - supposedly
compiled several decades hence - as a way for many American writers and
artists "to voice their displeasure with their current US political
leadership, and collectively to imagine a brighter future". Nearly 200 of
them pitched in, and the intended beneficiaries are groups "devoted to
expressing their outrage over the Bush administration's assault on free
speech, overtime, drinking water, truth, the rule of law, humility, the
separation of Church and State, a woman's right to choose, clean air, and
every other good idea this country has ever had." Here is a selection of
their new words.
abbapeasement n. a Swedish diplomatic process whereby conflicting parties
participate in a "dance-off" to resolve their differences. After Yasser
Arafat and Ariel Sharon agreed to an all-night session of sweaty
abbapeasement, relations between Israel and the Palestinian authority grew
markedly less hostile.
Ryan Boudinot
adulteration n. the discovery of the inner adult. A corrective to the wildly
successful movement to discover the inner child, the movement was inspired
by the realisation that said child was a peevish, self-indulgent brat,
hostile to the constraints of civilisation and bored to the point of rage by
meaning and complexity. These traits became manifest as the inner child
assumed control of politics and the media. Marshmallow creme became a
dietary staple and gigantic, toylike vehicles came to dominate the nation's
highways. The adulterationists set out to modify the consequences of pure
egoism, pure greed, pure cynicism, pure nonsense and pure noise, aspects of
the ascendancy of said child.
Marilynne Robinson
and-yet conj. pronounced as one word. Always used as a sentence alone: I
thought it was impossible. And-yet. Or: I was prepared to leave. And-yet. To
say "and-yet " can be to say: They told me I would grow up to be handsome.
And-yet. Meaning, I know the truth, of course I do, even if I can't say it.
"And-yet" can be a door left open. It sounds like nyet, "no" in Russian. But
"and-yet" is never so decisive or emphatic. In two syllables it can sum up
the existential doubt that's tied like a stone to each of us.
Nicole Krauss
arcticello n. (pl. -celli) a type of cello designed to be played in extreme
cold. The strings are made of reindeer gut and thinly coated in blubber. The
arcticello and its cousin, the antarcticello, were designed in 2062, after
the American geologist T Burford Bamwell discovered that the effects of
global warming could be reversed if newly discovered bands of ferrous
permanganate encircling the earth were stimulated to vibrate at a frequency
of 77.75Hz. For this to happen, Bamwell theorised, cellists had to be posted
at the exact north and south poles of the earth, each playing a continuous
E-flat. He recruited cellists willing to brave the elements for the sake of
the planet, and his theory proved true. Difficulties persist: delivery of
fresh fruits and vegetables to the camps can be problematic, and arctic elk
in springtime rut often mistake the players for potential mates, but the
E-flat tone has been played at the poles constantly for over 40 years now
(apart from a few unfortunate ventures into improvisation), and the earth
has cooled to pre-Industrial Revolution average temperatures.
Doug Dorst
Axis of evil any perceived "nucular" power that distracts attention from the
national debt.
Susan Henderson
bellbottom 1 n. the precise moment when a person, place or thing
demonstrates negative utility. Named for the bellbottom uniform trousers
worn by sailors, which from 1871 onward were responsible for thousands of
injuries until they were officially banned by the Filipino navy in 2009 and
replaced by the pinstriped poly-denim stirrup britches favoured today. 2 v.
to make obsolete or outlive one's usefulness. President Clinton bellbottomed
when she appeared on Saturday Night Live with Senator Seacrest. 3 adj.
describing a style of trousers with outsized cuffs popularised by urban
Italian- and African-Americans in the late 1970s, Peruvian knife fighters in
the early 2010s, and the North Jersey Disco Terrorists for a few weeks after
the death of the Wizard Travolta on April 22 2022.
Jim Ruland
blasphuck v. to screw in a consecrated place. Instance illustrated by an
excerpt from the unpublished reminiscences of Chuck Pavkov (Peoria high
school class of 1977): Christ we must have been 17, if that. Sharon and I
yaw-yawing like a couple of orang-utans and ripping each other's clothes off
near third base on Pete Voanachen Memorial Field, drunk, three in the
morning. And Sharon asks, wait a second, Chuck, who's Pete Voanachen? So I
tell her the truth, that he was this kid who got run over by a refrigerator
truck chasing a foul ball. And so Sharon says, well don't you think this is
hallowed ground or something? I said it depends on how you define what we're
doing. And so Sharon says, well it varies, right, I mean, sometimes we call
it profane, sometimes sacred? So I say what's it going to be? And Sharon
says, no question about it, sacred. Which meant when I tried to bite her bra
lock off, she says, no, honey, tonight use your hands. The moon was sliced
half but bright and plump like a naked ass cheek and Sharon says, slower,
slower, tell me about Pete Voanachen. And so I do, I tell her he played
third and wore this old sweat-stained green hat and that he was mostly
quiet, never shouted heybattabattaswing. He had a sister Judy who was pretty
but had zits. At his funeral we all wore our cleats. You want to know more?
No, she says. That's enough. So I say, time to do it profane? And she says,
yeah. Yeah.
Peter Orner
bush v.i. 1 to land a job or position for which one is egregiously
unqualified, esp. through unscrupulous means. 2 to take a long and unearned
vacation. 3 to sneak home during working hours. Mr Bemis was off with the
truck for three hours, so I bushed it back to Crawford for a quick snort and
a nooner with Sally Mae. 4[ since 2005 ] to be sent back to the place of
one's origin, esp. in disgrace.
Scott Phillips
bush n. a poisonous family of shrubs, now extinct.
Paul Auster
canineadate n. a dog who runs for elected office. Although it seemed a silly
idea at first, we soon learned that canineadates proved quite successful,
and over time many canine contenders found their way to higher office. The
result was more open spaces with less automobile traffic, and low-grade dog
food stopped using such strange ingredients.
Arthur Bradford
cheney v.i. to parlay one cushy job into another, esp. via personal
connections. Ron clearly hoped to cheney his way from chairman of the board
at Marduk Industries to the ambassador of Luxembourg, preferably using other
people's campaign donations.
Scott Phillips
condoleesy adj. a person who uses righteousness and self-justifications in
attempts to hide his or her error of judgment or condones such behaviour; a
cheap shot by a political official in attempts to keep himself or herself or
his/her candidate in office. (See cheesy.) What do you mean "the evil
empire"? Stop being so condoleesy! In popular usage/slang, doing the
condoleesy refers to a type of dance in which partners slyly shift positions
in seeming attempt to cover each other's back.
Julia Alvarez
cran - prefix indicating scepticism or "so-called"ness, allowing the speaker
to distance himself from his words; essentially, a verbal expression of
quotation marks, designed to replace air-quotes, which were deemed awkward,
unfair to the handless, and generally annoying. 2 blended or infused with
cranberry flavouring.
Eli Horowitz
dark natter n. v. an analogue of "dark matter" which astrophysicists
speculate may constitute as much as 90% of the universe, dark natter is
empty but continuous chatter of an ominous sort, whether in direct
discourse, by way of the electronic media, or in print. (n.) A lethal cloud
of dark natter formed above the nation's capitol and is reported to be
drifting in all directions. (v.) He dark-nattered his way through the Bible
Belt with conspicuous success. Also: He was dark-nattered into defeat by
ingenious opponents.
Joyce Carol Oates
dog n. the citizen, in balance. Example: I live up to my potential. I
understand that I will die. I do not hide in my room. I do not kill people
outside my room, either. Woof, woof.
Aimee Bender
Dream Catchers n. a hi-tech nightcap, identical to the one worn by Scrooge
in A Christmas Carol - except this cap is capable of biometrically recording
dreams for broadcast-quality playback. The cap's inventor, tired of hearing
her well-meaning but long-winded husband's attempt to describe his
ridiculous nocturnal journeys each morning, crafted the device in 48 hours
out of parts ripped from home appliances. Now, thanks to her frustration,
people around the world can watch each other's dreams and live each other's
night-time fantasies - for better or worse. The new Double Dream Catcher cap
enables two sleepers to enter and interact in each other 's dreams - for
instance, to remind each other not to leave the house naked or to catch each
other when they fall.
Brent Hoff
duhphin n. unsmart eldest son of a former president.
Eric Orner
empty-tomb syndrome n. the experience of being bamboozled by a completely
sham hope. (colloq: empty-tomber) Etymology: Midwestern. First used to
describe a person left behind (alone) in a two-plot grave. This example of
the origin was collected by the prairie folk historian J Harold Mueller: In
1947 the Hebrew Burial Society of Chicago buried a bookbinder named Mel
Shlansky (died young) at Waldheim cemetery, a fallow field west of the city,
because he'd religiously paid his seven dollars a year. When her time came,
however, his wife Doris patently refused to go into that ground. She said
now that her daughter's husband had money they'd have to kill her first
before she'd put one dead toenail way the hell out there. They buried her in
Skokie near the mall. But of course Mel doesn't know this and waits for her
- still. By his calculations Doris must be getting on near 130 by now and he
marvels at the progress of modern medicine, while at the same time
chastising himself for being lonely and wishing it would end so that she
would come to him.
Peter Orner
environment n. 1 a confused mass of biota, rocky places, open plains, and
ditches filled variously with water, muck and blood, with the potential of
being converted into strip mines, strip malls and strip clubs. 2 a kind of
place, like an office cubicle, where deals are made. 3 the prevailing mood
or climate in which deals are made.
TC Boyle
Environmint n. a mint-flavoured candy devised by a New Jersey landfill
operator, which eliminates all foul-smelling odours from polluted
properties. The product's slogan: "Gives toxic waste sites a minty
freshness." 2 adj. a mint smell associated with industrial chemicals. 3
something that attempts to mask the true qualities of a person or object.
His attempts to ingratiate himself are nothing more than environmints and do
not change the way I regard his character.
Tom Barbash
fauxkward adj. combination of "faux" and "awkward". Falsely awkward.
Qualities such as false humility, fake shyness, and pseudo-goofballness can
all be termed subclasses of fauxkwardness. Most often seen in stammering
movie actors (Hugh Grant, when not playing a baddie) and not-really-klutzy
actors (Julia Roberts, when playing anyone, including herself), but possibly
also seen in alleged world leaders (Bush II, when reading his script very
carefully).
Rachel Carpenter
Great Retreat, the n. the mass withdrawal of right-wing Christians from
politics following the failure of the Rapture to occur on Jan 1, 2023, as
predicted by the Rev Tim La Haye Jr. (see Rupture.) In the wake of this
faith-testing non-event, millions of evangelical and fundamentalist
Protestants decided that the Rapture had been cancelled by God because of
their sins, particularly their excessive involvement in politics. Millions
signed the Louisville Oath, in which they swore never to vote or run for
office, to keep all acts of charity anonymous, to avoid demonstrative
prayer, and to limit their influence to that of personal example. Thousands
moved to rural states, where they took up small-scale agriculture and
revitalised the arts of pie-baking, home canning, storytelling and charades.
The newly agnostic televangelist Patricia Robertson reached millions of
readers with such bestsellers as Convert To Doubt: My Story, Keeping Jesus
To Yourself and The Bible - It May Be Good, But It 's Still Only A Book.
Katha Pollitt
humanofuel n. a source of energy, supplied by human beings. An overweight
but exceedingly clever scientist at Ohio University by the name of Max Odzer
discovered humanofuel in 2012. During the obesity plague of 2011, which
struck the entire Midwest, Max, like countless others, was legally forced to
go to a gym by the government. It was while running on a treadmill that Max
realised there was untapped potential in all this exercising. He then
created the Odzer-Generator, which was attached to gyms all over America and
soon all over the world. While people exercised on treadmills, bicycles and
other strange devices, the Odzer-Generator took this
wind-and-water-millesque energy and converted it into a form of power,
dubbed humanofuel, which then provided electrical and heating energy to the
surrounding neighbourhoods for each gym and charged batteries for electrical
cars. The world, almost overnight, became a better place - people were fit,
pollution and global warming were eradicated, sportswear stocks skyrocketed,
and everyone, by exercising, was being a good citizen. Max was awarded a
Nobel prize and his waistline went from a 54 to a 32.
Jonathan Ames
humvee n. a war criminal, first used in 2010 UN trial of former
vice-president Cheney (the hum-VP), but later applied to anyone corrupt or
self-serving.
Peter Carey
Icelandic system compound n. a practice, supposedly based on childrearing
methods in medieval Iceland, of sending teenagers to live with other
families in order to learn adult skills and behaviour from grown-ups they
have not yet learned to manipulate and despise. A version of the Icelandic
system, the foreign student exchange, had long been employed by frustrated
parents, but the practice went native and exploded in popularity with the
publication in 2023 of Britney-Penelope Leach's bestselling advice manual, A
Fresh Start: Why Other Parents Can Raise Your Impossible Teen - And Why You
Should Let Them. Leach noted that away from their parents, adolescents were
typically friendly, polite, curious and altruistic; it was only at home they
became resentful and histrionic "typical teenagers". She proposed placing
teens with new families to give them a less-cathected but still affectionate
and protective adult-child relationship focused on the gradual assumption of
adulthood. The federally funded Domestic Youth Exchange now enrols
approximately 50% of high-school juniors and seniors and is credited with
significantly lowering juvenile crime, drug use, pregnancy, depression,
rudeness, and TV-watching.
Katha Pollitt
Irony Curtain, the n. coined in a famous state of the union address by
Muhammad Malik Al-Qarati Nazzar (67th president of the United States) in
2045 to describe the politicocultural frontier line that had formed between
the practitioners and exponents of a popular culture that had become all but
utterly opaque to even the most educated of the populace, and a growing
grassroots movement that dubbed itself the Neo-Sincericist Front (NSF). The
establishment and rapid proliferation of irony-free zones across North
America eventually evolved into a border dotted with heavily armed
checkpoints. In order to enter an irony-free zone, one had to prove his
utter innocence regarding elliptical speech, equivocal attitudes, and campy
dialogue of any kind.
Christian Whittall
irregardless adv. as of 2046, still not a real word, despite continued usage
by basketball coaches. Basketball shorts, by the way, have gotten very small
and snug again.
Chris Bachelder
jobless oblige n. the responsibility of the out-of-work to update and
fabricate their résumés, lay claim to far-fetched computer skills, complete
one or more of the several projects they'd never had time for when they were
employed, and receive adequate unemployment benefits, including health
insurance.
Kevin Moffett
karmageddon n. the culminating event in the War Between Heaven and Heck that
ended on July 4 2044 AD (40 A. GWB.), when surviving religious
fundamentalists of all faiths were airlifted off the long-suffering planet
they 'd nearly brought to ruin and - receiving richly deserved retribution -
were forced to leave even their dentures behind. art spiegelman
libertea n. any of a variety of beverages made of ordinary foodstuffs shown
to have a contraceptive effect. At the beginning of the 21st century,
rightwing Christians succeeded not only in criminalising most abortions, but
in greatly limiting access to birth control: The Keep Our Children Safe Act
of 2007 made it illegal to sell condoms or prescribe birth control to
minors, prevented any clinic or agency receiving federal funds from
dispensing or prescribing contraception to unmarried women and, under the
Ashcroft Amendment, required that medical personnel report to the police as
evidence of possible child neglect or abuse, any attempt by a parent or
child to circumvent these regulations. What could have been a disastrous
situation was averted when Jenny Wildflower, a cook at the DragonWagon, the
last feminist-vegetarian co-op restaurant in America, discovered that
ordinary orange pekoe, when brewed with tarragon, oregano, chervil or other
common kitchen herbs, prevented conception when consumed within 24 hours
before or after unprotected sex. The far-reaching effects of this discovery
are well known. (see Lipton millionaire, Celestial Seasonings/Wildflower
Prize for Domestic Chemistry, tea-totaller, gone to Cherville.)
Katha Pollitt
microbuggy n. exceptionally small urban transportation vehicle, suitable for
one modestly sized adult or two immodestly sized pre-schoolers, fuelled by
energy released from bacteria stored in mouldy comestibles well past sell-by
date (eg, blue cheddar, green lox); environmentally super-friendly, can be
refuelled from neighbourhood trash while parked among it. Attempts by sixth
graders to commit suicide by inhaling microbuggy fumes only ended in
accelerating their hyper-activity and making them immune to acne.
Simon Schama
misteak n. flesh of a cow; beef derived from slaughtered animals.
Jonathan Franzen
mnemoronic device n. a word clumsily retrofitted with segments of other
words for unfunny, but easily recalled, derisive effect. Popular among
rightwing talkshow hosts of the late-20th and early 21st century, mnemoronic
devices declined in frequency as these radio and television personalities
boarded spaceships in search of the universe's worst haircut. His broadcasts
were filled with mnemoronic devices that helped listeners keep track of
their enemies: "These criminaliens are taking it easy in America, living
like kings on welunfare. The fiberal media is too busy helping gays live in
homo matriphony to report on it." While also clumsy and unfunny, the word
mnemoronic device is not an example of itself because it does not make an
explicit political statement.
Jason Roeder
nearly-pain-free-break-up, the n. something that happens between two people
who have been romantically involved but, for a number of reasons - usually
idiotic but not always - they can no longer be together. So for years -
well, millennia - there was no way of getting around it: when a love affair
came to an end, it hurt. It was number five on the pain chart after: 1 death
of a loved one; 2 disease or physical injury; 3 false imprisonment for a
crime you didn't commit; and 4 torture or attack by a malevolent person.
Since numbers three and four weren't - thank God - that typical for most
people, heartbreak was a real problem. Then, in 2016, break-up clinics,
affiliated with Curves exercise studios, began to pop up all over the
country. These clinics offered classes in guided meditation, prayer and
self-massage. Also, you could lie for as long as you liked on a super cosy
healing bed with a real nice comforter to hide under, and, if you liked, an
adult pacifier was put in your mouth. Meanwhile self-esteem mantras were
pumped into your head via pillow-sized headphones. One of the biggest
breakthroughs in break-up healing, discovered by the founder of the clinics,
Susan Pearlstein, was that the old cop-out "It's not you, it's me" was
actually true. It was proved that all break-ups had nothing to do with your
worth; they had to do with something going on in the other person. There is
also, naturally, a terrible sense of loss. Severe loneliness also enters
into it, but the clinics make this all quite manageable and restore us to
our usual blithe, distracted, mildly sad but functional selves. Also, the
clinics have turned out to be great places to meet newly single people.
Jonathan Ames
outFox v. 1 to be more dishonest and deceitful than one's rivals. 2 to lean
more heavily to the right.
Ryan Harty
pasta with grilled vegetables n. [archaic] vegetarian entrée struck down by
the landmark supreme court ruling in Mercer v Bennigan's (2019). In a 6-3
decision, the court ruled that pasta with grilled vegetables is an
unconstitutional dinner offering and that chain restaurants in the Midwest
must, "with all deliberate speed and all fresh ingredients", add another
vegetarian selection. The court stopped short of mandating a specific menu,
but it did make a few nice suggestions involving tempeh and tofu. Chief
Justice Nickerson wrote the majority opinion: "The court finds untenable the
notion that flaccid, tasteless disks of yellow squash languishing atop
rubbery spaghetti constitutes a lawful American dinner or freedom of
choice." In 2035, the court upheld Mercer v Bennigan's by ruling 8-1, in
Nash v Applebee's, that three vegetarian appetisers do not equal an entrée.
Chris Bachelder
pubic transportation n. the system of conveyances first instituted in 2013
by California Governor Angelina Jolie to discourage the use of private
vehicles by offering free nude electric trolley service throughout greater
Los Angeles. First known as "Jolie-rollers", the system soon expanded to
include our national aut-Buss network and eventually, intercontinental
biplanes.
art spiegelman
quik adj., adv. moving or behaving in a rich, chocolately manner; used
primarily as an adverb. The journalists all entered the room at once and
walked quikly toward the bar.
Andrew Leland
quipnunc n. a person who responds to current events, especially tragic ones,
with quickly devised, sometimes callous jokes. "If they take too many
hostages, we won't be able to even field a soccer team over there," said
Joe, always a quipnunc. [A neologic corruption of quidnunc, from the Latin
quid (what) plus nunc (now).]
Ben Greenman
ralphnadir 1 n. the lowest point in any process, whereby the urgent need to
alter that process becomes manifest. The ralphnadir of America's
unrepresentative two-party system led to the establishment, in 2012, of our
current proportional allnite-party system. 2 v. the act of creating such a
low point while simultaneously undoing one's reputation. He ralphnadired
their relationship when he condi-scendingly denied that he'd cheneyed their
joint account.
art spiegelman
rumsfeld n. one who can stomach casualties.
Kurt Vonnegut
Rupture, the n. the collapse of the religious right following the failure of
the so-called Rapture to occur on January 1 2023, as predicted by Rev Tim la
Haye Jr; any big entirely predictable disappointment; a foolish conviction
that ends in embarrassment; a fanciful misreading of the Bible.
Katha Pollitt
silence parlour n. a heavily soundproofed cafe, often equipped with
noise-cancellation technology, in which consenting citizens may gather to
talk, read, or sit quietly.
Jonathan Franzen
skinicism n. 1 the practice of assuming the best about an individual based
on the colour of his or her skin. (see melanin [archaic].) 2 a well-known,
clever, and/or humorous compound maxim in which the first part is always
true, but the second has repeatedly been proven to be entirely untrue.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
T Cooper
slacker n. a person who wears slacks.
Brian McMullen
sloudge n. the hours of analysis, usually on high-cable news networks, which
follow breaking news, ie events which have just happened and which usually
(but not always) follow the high-cable news dictum, "if it bleeds, it
leads". Most sloudge occurs around shiny tables where overweight white men
talk about such things as the liberal conspiracy, fiscal responsibility, and
isolationist policies of revisionism. Expert speakers of sloudge were paid
millions of dollars in the early years of the 21st century, not just to wag
their double chins on television but to give speeches and write books. The
president's press conference was followed by over three hours of sloudge on
MSNBC and six hours of sloudge on Fox-TV.
Stephen King
smoking jacket n. a loose-fitting, bubble-domed, tent-like garment equipped
with powerful air filters and 800ft retractable exhaust tubes, designed to
accommodate smokers in restaurants and other public gathering places.
art spiegelman
terrarism n. the popular movement that grew up in response to the ill-fated
war on terrorism of the early 21st century. Ending the cycles of violence
brought about by self-perpetuating bellicose responses to terrorism, the
movement became visible as international clusters of like-minded individuals
began working together against all odds for more equable redistribution and
preservation of the world's resources, thereby dismantling the impoverished
breeding grounds of terrorism. terrarists n. environmentalists, labour
organisers, doctors, teachers, scientists, social workers, journalists,
artists and writers, and, in rare instances, even lawyers devoted to
transcending parochial interests in order to work for the good of a global
community.
art flowerchilde spiegelman, minister of positive propaganda
terrorism n. 1 the unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a
person or an organised group against people or property with the intention
of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological
or political reasons. (American Heritage Dictionary) 2 cheating on a test.
Sixty of the 62 international terrorists, according to a March story in the
Philadelphia Inquirer, turned out to be Middle Eastern students who had
cheated on a test; specifically, they had paid others to take an English
proficiency exam required for college or graduate school. 3 unionisation of
educational employees. Education secretary Rod Paige called the National
Education Association, the nation's largest teachers union, "a terrorist
organisation". 4 a government unaligned with America. President George Bush
sent an ultimatum to the world's leaders today: "You are either with us or
you are with the terrorists."
Stephen Elliott
Two-State Solution n. from the 20th century name for a number of failed
proposals to solve the problem of Israel-Palestine by dividing the land into
a Jewish and an Arab state. Although this turned out to be impossible, the
term took on a new meaning when Israelis and Palestinians agreed in an
almost-unanimous binding 2017 referendum to leave the Holy Land en masse and
settle, respectively, in North Dakota and South Dakota. Generously funded by
an ecstatic world, the settlers were warmly welcomed in the US, where it was
hoped that these two creative and energetic peoples would revitalise the
nearly depopulated prairie states, now home mostly to buffalo, elderly
grandparents and retired nuns. In large measure these hopes have been
realised: today, the Dakotas are known for their greenhouse agriculture,
hi-tech medical centres, middle-east-west fusion cuisine (cf falafel-tuna
casserole), and national champion high-school chess and debating teams, as
well as for Koranic Inquiry, New Sufism, and the feminist Aisha Movement,
modernist forms of Islam that have largely replaced Wahhabism and other
fundamentalist sects around the globe. Perhaps most surprising, few among
these once bellicose ethnicities evince much nostalgia for the Holy Land,
which is governed as a UN protectorate and is mostly inhabited by shepherds,
archaeologists, and hermits.
Katha Pollitt
umbridge n. the commonly held indignation that brings together two or more
people. Previously known, less concisely, as "mutual outrage bridge".
Kevin Moffett
Utilitarianism n. a now-discredited political doctrine first espoused by
Lord Haliburton in the late 20th century, and widely popular in
fin-de-siËcle America, based on the notion that what is good for the biggest
private utility company is good for all. Anyone who doesn't understand that
deregulation is the best way to achieve utilitarianism is a Yale-educated
elitist.
Sue Halpern
voting n. a right, and, um, a responsibility.
Elizabeth Crane
'what the?' interj. utterance of Charles "Chubb Bub" Monroe, the oldest
living bachelor of Memphis, Tennessee, whose television set has just
exploded in the middle of ABC's Sunday night movie, Valley Of The Dolls,
specifically the part where Anne arrives in New York and lands a job in the
office of a big-time showbiz agent, whose secretary sees her and remarks, "A
BA from Radcliffe. It'll give the office tone."
Jessica Anthony
wind-truck n. a wheeled vehicle that carries wind. After American cities
went to wind power, but before the advent of artificial airstreams, these
devices were used to transport wind from atmospherically turbulent regions
(Texas, Maine) to wind-challenged areas (New Jersey). Massive wind-trucks -
some of which required hundreds of cubic litres of wind just to fill their
hundreds of tyres - would open their trunks like yawning mouths and take in
the breeze. Motorcades of such trucks would then drive to where the wind was
needed, back up to the windmill centres, and dump. Drivers of wind-trucks
wore special uniforms, not unlike those that used to be worn by aeroplane
pilots, when people still flew. It took the wind-truck three days to bring
what was consumed in a matter of minutes.
Jonathan Safran Foer
xyloscone 1 n. an edible musical instrument consisting of a graduated series
of hardened rich quickbreads cut into triangular shapes, hollowed, often
varnished, and usually struck with marzipan hammers. 2 n.any food rendered
musical through modification or play. 3 v. to physically transform one or
more common foods, often a set of graduated scones, into a musical
instrument, often a xylophone. 4 v. to make music with food, usually
consciously, and often for the purpose of competitive performance.
Brian McMullen
yidg n. one's romantic pair; older than a girl/boyfriend, less businesslike
than a partner, more fun than a spouse, less gooey than a lover. Don't even
mention "significant other".
Eli Horowitz
Zzzunday n. national holiday occurring once every 28 years, when a leap year
coincides with a Sunday. Zzzunday is celebrated with 24 hours of
uninterrupted sleep, in recognition of an entire generation's accumulated
sleep deficit. Secondary holidays have grown to immediately precede
Zzzunday, including Sleepless Friday, and a Hibernation Saturday of block
parties, children's sleepovers, and retail promotional sales of bed linens,
mattresses and pillows. Traditionally, insomniacs mark Zzzunday by going out
to a Chinese restaurant - if they can find one open that day.
Paul Collins
© McSweeney's Books, 2004.
· This is an edited extract from The Future Dictionary Of America, edited by
Jonathan Safran Foer, Dave Eggers, Nicole Krauss and Eli Horowitz, published
by Hamish Hamilton on November 4, priced £14.99. The book comes with a free
CD. To order a copy, for £14.24, with free UK p&p, call 0870 836 0875
(guardian.co.uk/bookshop).
Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2004
--- from list heidegger@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ---
something, while we have the chance! It is not every day that we are needed.
But at this place, at this moment of time, all mankind is us, whether we
like it or not. Let us make the most of it, before it is too late"
[Vladamir, 'Waiting for Godot', Beckett]
Just thought, oh assembled (whether in presence or absence)
wordsmiththinkers, that the following from a recent Guardian might set a few
sparklers into orbit whilst weightier matters stir on the margins...
regards
michaelP
__________________________________________________________
Guardian | Take our word for it
http://www.guardian.co.uk/print/0,3858,5033695-103425,00.html
Friday, October 15, 2004
TAKE OUR WORD FOR IT
Can a dictionary be a political act? That was certainly the intention when
some of the best-known writers in the US rushed into print with some
provocatively defined new words, intending to stir things up in the
presidential election
Saturday October 9, 2004
The Guardian
The four editors, Jonathan Safran Foer, Dave Eggers, Nicole Krauss and Eli
Horowitz, conceived of The Future Dictionary Of America - supposedly
compiled several decades hence - as a way for many American writers and
artists "to voice their displeasure with their current US political
leadership, and collectively to imagine a brighter future". Nearly 200 of
them pitched in, and the intended beneficiaries are groups "devoted to
expressing their outrage over the Bush administration's assault on free
speech, overtime, drinking water, truth, the rule of law, humility, the
separation of Church and State, a woman's right to choose, clean air, and
every other good idea this country has ever had." Here is a selection of
their new words.
abbapeasement n. a Swedish diplomatic process whereby conflicting parties
participate in a "dance-off" to resolve their differences. After Yasser
Arafat and Ariel Sharon agreed to an all-night session of sweaty
abbapeasement, relations between Israel and the Palestinian authority grew
markedly less hostile.
Ryan Boudinot
adulteration n. the discovery of the inner adult. A corrective to the wildly
successful movement to discover the inner child, the movement was inspired
by the realisation that said child was a peevish, self-indulgent brat,
hostile to the constraints of civilisation and bored to the point of rage by
meaning and complexity. These traits became manifest as the inner child
assumed control of politics and the media. Marshmallow creme became a
dietary staple and gigantic, toylike vehicles came to dominate the nation's
highways. The adulterationists set out to modify the consequences of pure
egoism, pure greed, pure cynicism, pure nonsense and pure noise, aspects of
the ascendancy of said child.
Marilynne Robinson
and-yet conj. pronounced as one word. Always used as a sentence alone: I
thought it was impossible. And-yet. Or: I was prepared to leave. And-yet. To
say "and-yet " can be to say: They told me I would grow up to be handsome.
And-yet. Meaning, I know the truth, of course I do, even if I can't say it.
"And-yet" can be a door left open. It sounds like nyet, "no" in Russian. But
"and-yet" is never so decisive or emphatic. In two syllables it can sum up
the existential doubt that's tied like a stone to each of us.
Nicole Krauss
arcticello n. (pl. -celli) a type of cello designed to be played in extreme
cold. The strings are made of reindeer gut and thinly coated in blubber. The
arcticello and its cousin, the antarcticello, were designed in 2062, after
the American geologist T Burford Bamwell discovered that the effects of
global warming could be reversed if newly discovered bands of ferrous
permanganate encircling the earth were stimulated to vibrate at a frequency
of 77.75Hz. For this to happen, Bamwell theorised, cellists had to be posted
at the exact north and south poles of the earth, each playing a continuous
E-flat. He recruited cellists willing to brave the elements for the sake of
the planet, and his theory proved true. Difficulties persist: delivery of
fresh fruits and vegetables to the camps can be problematic, and arctic elk
in springtime rut often mistake the players for potential mates, but the
E-flat tone has been played at the poles constantly for over 40 years now
(apart from a few unfortunate ventures into improvisation), and the earth
has cooled to pre-Industrial Revolution average temperatures.
Doug Dorst
Axis of evil any perceived "nucular" power that distracts attention from the
national debt.
Susan Henderson
bellbottom 1 n. the precise moment when a person, place or thing
demonstrates negative utility. Named for the bellbottom uniform trousers
worn by sailors, which from 1871 onward were responsible for thousands of
injuries until they were officially banned by the Filipino navy in 2009 and
replaced by the pinstriped poly-denim stirrup britches favoured today. 2 v.
to make obsolete or outlive one's usefulness. President Clinton bellbottomed
when she appeared on Saturday Night Live with Senator Seacrest. 3 adj.
describing a style of trousers with outsized cuffs popularised by urban
Italian- and African-Americans in the late 1970s, Peruvian knife fighters in
the early 2010s, and the North Jersey Disco Terrorists for a few weeks after
the death of the Wizard Travolta on April 22 2022.
Jim Ruland
blasphuck v. to screw in a consecrated place. Instance illustrated by an
excerpt from the unpublished reminiscences of Chuck Pavkov (Peoria high
school class of 1977): Christ we must have been 17, if that. Sharon and I
yaw-yawing like a couple of orang-utans and ripping each other's clothes off
near third base on Pete Voanachen Memorial Field, drunk, three in the
morning. And Sharon asks, wait a second, Chuck, who's Pete Voanachen? So I
tell her the truth, that he was this kid who got run over by a refrigerator
truck chasing a foul ball. And so Sharon says, well don't you think this is
hallowed ground or something? I said it depends on how you define what we're
doing. And so Sharon says, well it varies, right, I mean, sometimes we call
it profane, sometimes sacred? So I say what's it going to be? And Sharon
says, no question about it, sacred. Which meant when I tried to bite her bra
lock off, she says, no, honey, tonight use your hands. The moon was sliced
half but bright and plump like a naked ass cheek and Sharon says, slower,
slower, tell me about Pete Voanachen. And so I do, I tell her he played
third and wore this old sweat-stained green hat and that he was mostly
quiet, never shouted heybattabattaswing. He had a sister Judy who was pretty
but had zits. At his funeral we all wore our cleats. You want to know more?
No, she says. That's enough. So I say, time to do it profane? And she says,
yeah. Yeah.
Peter Orner
bush v.i. 1 to land a job or position for which one is egregiously
unqualified, esp. through unscrupulous means. 2 to take a long and unearned
vacation. 3 to sneak home during working hours. Mr Bemis was off with the
truck for three hours, so I bushed it back to Crawford for a quick snort and
a nooner with Sally Mae. 4[ since 2005 ] to be sent back to the place of
one's origin, esp. in disgrace.
Scott Phillips
bush n. a poisonous family of shrubs, now extinct.
Paul Auster
canineadate n. a dog who runs for elected office. Although it seemed a silly
idea at first, we soon learned that canineadates proved quite successful,
and over time many canine contenders found their way to higher office. The
result was more open spaces with less automobile traffic, and low-grade dog
food stopped using such strange ingredients.
Arthur Bradford
cheney v.i. to parlay one cushy job into another, esp. via personal
connections. Ron clearly hoped to cheney his way from chairman of the board
at Marduk Industries to the ambassador of Luxembourg, preferably using other
people's campaign donations.
Scott Phillips
condoleesy adj. a person who uses righteousness and self-justifications in
attempts to hide his or her error of judgment or condones such behaviour; a
cheap shot by a political official in attempts to keep himself or herself or
his/her candidate in office. (See cheesy.) What do you mean "the evil
empire"? Stop being so condoleesy! In popular usage/slang, doing the
condoleesy refers to a type of dance in which partners slyly shift positions
in seeming attempt to cover each other's back.
Julia Alvarez
cran - prefix indicating scepticism or "so-called"ness, allowing the speaker
to distance himself from his words; essentially, a verbal expression of
quotation marks, designed to replace air-quotes, which were deemed awkward,
unfair to the handless, and generally annoying. 2 blended or infused with
cranberry flavouring.
Eli Horowitz
dark natter n. v. an analogue of "dark matter" which astrophysicists
speculate may constitute as much as 90% of the universe, dark natter is
empty but continuous chatter of an ominous sort, whether in direct
discourse, by way of the electronic media, or in print. (n.) A lethal cloud
of dark natter formed above the nation's capitol and is reported to be
drifting in all directions. (v.) He dark-nattered his way through the Bible
Belt with conspicuous success. Also: He was dark-nattered into defeat by
ingenious opponents.
Joyce Carol Oates
dog n. the citizen, in balance. Example: I live up to my potential. I
understand that I will die. I do not hide in my room. I do not kill people
outside my room, either. Woof, woof.
Aimee Bender
Dream Catchers n. a hi-tech nightcap, identical to the one worn by Scrooge
in A Christmas Carol - except this cap is capable of biometrically recording
dreams for broadcast-quality playback. The cap's inventor, tired of hearing
her well-meaning but long-winded husband's attempt to describe his
ridiculous nocturnal journeys each morning, crafted the device in 48 hours
out of parts ripped from home appliances. Now, thanks to her frustration,
people around the world can watch each other's dreams and live each other's
night-time fantasies - for better or worse. The new Double Dream Catcher cap
enables two sleepers to enter and interact in each other 's dreams - for
instance, to remind each other not to leave the house naked or to catch each
other when they fall.
Brent Hoff
duhphin n. unsmart eldest son of a former president.
Eric Orner
empty-tomb syndrome n. the experience of being bamboozled by a completely
sham hope. (colloq: empty-tomber) Etymology: Midwestern. First used to
describe a person left behind (alone) in a two-plot grave. This example of
the origin was collected by the prairie folk historian J Harold Mueller: In
1947 the Hebrew Burial Society of Chicago buried a bookbinder named Mel
Shlansky (died young) at Waldheim cemetery, a fallow field west of the city,
because he'd religiously paid his seven dollars a year. When her time came,
however, his wife Doris patently refused to go into that ground. She said
now that her daughter's husband had money they'd have to kill her first
before she'd put one dead toenail way the hell out there. They buried her in
Skokie near the mall. But of course Mel doesn't know this and waits for her
- still. By his calculations Doris must be getting on near 130 by now and he
marvels at the progress of modern medicine, while at the same time
chastising himself for being lonely and wishing it would end so that she
would come to him.
Peter Orner
environment n. 1 a confused mass of biota, rocky places, open plains, and
ditches filled variously with water, muck and blood, with the potential of
being converted into strip mines, strip malls and strip clubs. 2 a kind of
place, like an office cubicle, where deals are made. 3 the prevailing mood
or climate in which deals are made.
TC Boyle
Environmint n. a mint-flavoured candy devised by a New Jersey landfill
operator, which eliminates all foul-smelling odours from polluted
properties. The product's slogan: "Gives toxic waste sites a minty
freshness." 2 adj. a mint smell associated with industrial chemicals. 3
something that attempts to mask the true qualities of a person or object.
His attempts to ingratiate himself are nothing more than environmints and do
not change the way I regard his character.
Tom Barbash
fauxkward adj. combination of "faux" and "awkward". Falsely awkward.
Qualities such as false humility, fake shyness, and pseudo-goofballness can
all be termed subclasses of fauxkwardness. Most often seen in stammering
movie actors (Hugh Grant, when not playing a baddie) and not-really-klutzy
actors (Julia Roberts, when playing anyone, including herself), but possibly
also seen in alleged world leaders (Bush II, when reading his script very
carefully).
Rachel Carpenter
Great Retreat, the n. the mass withdrawal of right-wing Christians from
politics following the failure of the Rapture to occur on Jan 1, 2023, as
predicted by the Rev Tim La Haye Jr. (see Rupture.) In the wake of this
faith-testing non-event, millions of evangelical and fundamentalist
Protestants decided that the Rapture had been cancelled by God because of
their sins, particularly their excessive involvement in politics. Millions
signed the Louisville Oath, in which they swore never to vote or run for
office, to keep all acts of charity anonymous, to avoid demonstrative
prayer, and to limit their influence to that of personal example. Thousands
moved to rural states, where they took up small-scale agriculture and
revitalised the arts of pie-baking, home canning, storytelling and charades.
The newly agnostic televangelist Patricia Robertson reached millions of
readers with such bestsellers as Convert To Doubt: My Story, Keeping Jesus
To Yourself and The Bible - It May Be Good, But It 's Still Only A Book.
Katha Pollitt
humanofuel n. a source of energy, supplied by human beings. An overweight
but exceedingly clever scientist at Ohio University by the name of Max Odzer
discovered humanofuel in 2012. During the obesity plague of 2011, which
struck the entire Midwest, Max, like countless others, was legally forced to
go to a gym by the government. It was while running on a treadmill that Max
realised there was untapped potential in all this exercising. He then
created the Odzer-Generator, which was attached to gyms all over America and
soon all over the world. While people exercised on treadmills, bicycles and
other strange devices, the Odzer-Generator took this
wind-and-water-millesque energy and converted it into a form of power,
dubbed humanofuel, which then provided electrical and heating energy to the
surrounding neighbourhoods for each gym and charged batteries for electrical
cars. The world, almost overnight, became a better place - people were fit,
pollution and global warming were eradicated, sportswear stocks skyrocketed,
and everyone, by exercising, was being a good citizen. Max was awarded a
Nobel prize and his waistline went from a 54 to a 32.
Jonathan Ames
humvee n. a war criminal, first used in 2010 UN trial of former
vice-president Cheney (the hum-VP), but later applied to anyone corrupt or
self-serving.
Peter Carey
Icelandic system compound n. a practice, supposedly based on childrearing
methods in medieval Iceland, of sending teenagers to live with other
families in order to learn adult skills and behaviour from grown-ups they
have not yet learned to manipulate and despise. A version of the Icelandic
system, the foreign student exchange, had long been employed by frustrated
parents, but the practice went native and exploded in popularity with the
publication in 2023 of Britney-Penelope Leach's bestselling advice manual, A
Fresh Start: Why Other Parents Can Raise Your Impossible Teen - And Why You
Should Let Them. Leach noted that away from their parents, adolescents were
typically friendly, polite, curious and altruistic; it was only at home they
became resentful and histrionic "typical teenagers". She proposed placing
teens with new families to give them a less-cathected but still affectionate
and protective adult-child relationship focused on the gradual assumption of
adulthood. The federally funded Domestic Youth Exchange now enrols
approximately 50% of high-school juniors and seniors and is credited with
significantly lowering juvenile crime, drug use, pregnancy, depression,
rudeness, and TV-watching.
Katha Pollitt
Irony Curtain, the n. coined in a famous state of the union address by
Muhammad Malik Al-Qarati Nazzar (67th president of the United States) in
2045 to describe the politicocultural frontier line that had formed between
the practitioners and exponents of a popular culture that had become all but
utterly opaque to even the most educated of the populace, and a growing
grassroots movement that dubbed itself the Neo-Sincericist Front (NSF). The
establishment and rapid proliferation of irony-free zones across North
America eventually evolved into a border dotted with heavily armed
checkpoints. In order to enter an irony-free zone, one had to prove his
utter innocence regarding elliptical speech, equivocal attitudes, and campy
dialogue of any kind.
Christian Whittall
irregardless adv. as of 2046, still not a real word, despite continued usage
by basketball coaches. Basketball shorts, by the way, have gotten very small
and snug again.
Chris Bachelder
jobless oblige n. the responsibility of the out-of-work to update and
fabricate their résumés, lay claim to far-fetched computer skills, complete
one or more of the several projects they'd never had time for when they were
employed, and receive adequate unemployment benefits, including health
insurance.
Kevin Moffett
karmageddon n. the culminating event in the War Between Heaven and Heck that
ended on July 4 2044 AD (40 A. GWB.), when surviving religious
fundamentalists of all faiths were airlifted off the long-suffering planet
they 'd nearly brought to ruin and - receiving richly deserved retribution -
were forced to leave even their dentures behind. art spiegelman
libertea n. any of a variety of beverages made of ordinary foodstuffs shown
to have a contraceptive effect. At the beginning of the 21st century,
rightwing Christians succeeded not only in criminalising most abortions, but
in greatly limiting access to birth control: The Keep Our Children Safe Act
of 2007 made it illegal to sell condoms or prescribe birth control to
minors, prevented any clinic or agency receiving federal funds from
dispensing or prescribing contraception to unmarried women and, under the
Ashcroft Amendment, required that medical personnel report to the police as
evidence of possible child neglect or abuse, any attempt by a parent or
child to circumvent these regulations. What could have been a disastrous
situation was averted when Jenny Wildflower, a cook at the DragonWagon, the
last feminist-vegetarian co-op restaurant in America, discovered that
ordinary orange pekoe, when brewed with tarragon, oregano, chervil or other
common kitchen herbs, prevented conception when consumed within 24 hours
before or after unprotected sex. The far-reaching effects of this discovery
are well known. (see Lipton millionaire, Celestial Seasonings/Wildflower
Prize for Domestic Chemistry, tea-totaller, gone to Cherville.)
Katha Pollitt
microbuggy n. exceptionally small urban transportation vehicle, suitable for
one modestly sized adult or two immodestly sized pre-schoolers, fuelled by
energy released from bacteria stored in mouldy comestibles well past sell-by
date (eg, blue cheddar, green lox); environmentally super-friendly, can be
refuelled from neighbourhood trash while parked among it. Attempts by sixth
graders to commit suicide by inhaling microbuggy fumes only ended in
accelerating their hyper-activity and making them immune to acne.
Simon Schama
misteak n. flesh of a cow; beef derived from slaughtered animals.
Jonathan Franzen
mnemoronic device n. a word clumsily retrofitted with segments of other
words for unfunny, but easily recalled, derisive effect. Popular among
rightwing talkshow hosts of the late-20th and early 21st century, mnemoronic
devices declined in frequency as these radio and television personalities
boarded spaceships in search of the universe's worst haircut. His broadcasts
were filled with mnemoronic devices that helped listeners keep track of
their enemies: "These criminaliens are taking it easy in America, living
like kings on welunfare. The fiberal media is too busy helping gays live in
homo matriphony to report on it." While also clumsy and unfunny, the word
mnemoronic device is not an example of itself because it does not make an
explicit political statement.
Jason Roeder
nearly-pain-free-break-up, the n. something that happens between two people
who have been romantically involved but, for a number of reasons - usually
idiotic but not always - they can no longer be together. So for years -
well, millennia - there was no way of getting around it: when a love affair
came to an end, it hurt. It was number five on the pain chart after: 1 death
of a loved one; 2 disease or physical injury; 3 false imprisonment for a
crime you didn't commit; and 4 torture or attack by a malevolent person.
Since numbers three and four weren't - thank God - that typical for most
people, heartbreak was a real problem. Then, in 2016, break-up clinics,
affiliated with Curves exercise studios, began to pop up all over the
country. These clinics offered classes in guided meditation, prayer and
self-massage. Also, you could lie for as long as you liked on a super cosy
healing bed with a real nice comforter to hide under, and, if you liked, an
adult pacifier was put in your mouth. Meanwhile self-esteem mantras were
pumped into your head via pillow-sized headphones. One of the biggest
breakthroughs in break-up healing, discovered by the founder of the clinics,
Susan Pearlstein, was that the old cop-out "It's not you, it's me" was
actually true. It was proved that all break-ups had nothing to do with your
worth; they had to do with something going on in the other person. There is
also, naturally, a terrible sense of loss. Severe loneliness also enters
into it, but the clinics make this all quite manageable and restore us to
our usual blithe, distracted, mildly sad but functional selves. Also, the
clinics have turned out to be great places to meet newly single people.
Jonathan Ames
outFox v. 1 to be more dishonest and deceitful than one's rivals. 2 to lean
more heavily to the right.
Ryan Harty
pasta with grilled vegetables n. [archaic] vegetarian entrée struck down by
the landmark supreme court ruling in Mercer v Bennigan's (2019). In a 6-3
decision, the court ruled that pasta with grilled vegetables is an
unconstitutional dinner offering and that chain restaurants in the Midwest
must, "with all deliberate speed and all fresh ingredients", add another
vegetarian selection. The court stopped short of mandating a specific menu,
but it did make a few nice suggestions involving tempeh and tofu. Chief
Justice Nickerson wrote the majority opinion: "The court finds untenable the
notion that flaccid, tasteless disks of yellow squash languishing atop
rubbery spaghetti constitutes a lawful American dinner or freedom of
choice." In 2035, the court upheld Mercer v Bennigan's by ruling 8-1, in
Nash v Applebee's, that three vegetarian appetisers do not equal an entrée.
Chris Bachelder
pubic transportation n. the system of conveyances first instituted in 2013
by California Governor Angelina Jolie to discourage the use of private
vehicles by offering free nude electric trolley service throughout greater
Los Angeles. First known as "Jolie-rollers", the system soon expanded to
include our national aut-Buss network and eventually, intercontinental
biplanes.
art spiegelman
quik adj., adv. moving or behaving in a rich, chocolately manner; used
primarily as an adverb. The journalists all entered the room at once and
walked quikly toward the bar.
Andrew Leland
quipnunc n. a person who responds to current events, especially tragic ones,
with quickly devised, sometimes callous jokes. "If they take too many
hostages, we won't be able to even field a soccer team over there," said
Joe, always a quipnunc. [A neologic corruption of quidnunc, from the Latin
quid (what) plus nunc (now).]
Ben Greenman
ralphnadir 1 n. the lowest point in any process, whereby the urgent need to
alter that process becomes manifest. The ralphnadir of America's
unrepresentative two-party system led to the establishment, in 2012, of our
current proportional allnite-party system. 2 v. the act of creating such a
low point while simultaneously undoing one's reputation. He ralphnadired
their relationship when he condi-scendingly denied that he'd cheneyed their
joint account.
art spiegelman
rumsfeld n. one who can stomach casualties.
Kurt Vonnegut
Rupture, the n. the collapse of the religious right following the failure of
the so-called Rapture to occur on January 1 2023, as predicted by Rev Tim la
Haye Jr; any big entirely predictable disappointment; a foolish conviction
that ends in embarrassment; a fanciful misreading of the Bible.
Katha Pollitt
silence parlour n. a heavily soundproofed cafe, often equipped with
noise-cancellation technology, in which consenting citizens may gather to
talk, read, or sit quietly.
Jonathan Franzen
skinicism n. 1 the practice of assuming the best about an individual based
on the colour of his or her skin. (see melanin [archaic].) 2 a well-known,
clever, and/or humorous compound maxim in which the first part is always
true, but the second has repeatedly been proven to be entirely untrue.
"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me."
T Cooper
slacker n. a person who wears slacks.
Brian McMullen
sloudge n. the hours of analysis, usually on high-cable news networks, which
follow breaking news, ie events which have just happened and which usually
(but not always) follow the high-cable news dictum, "if it bleeds, it
leads". Most sloudge occurs around shiny tables where overweight white men
talk about such things as the liberal conspiracy, fiscal responsibility, and
isolationist policies of revisionism. Expert speakers of sloudge were paid
millions of dollars in the early years of the 21st century, not just to wag
their double chins on television but to give speeches and write books. The
president's press conference was followed by over three hours of sloudge on
MSNBC and six hours of sloudge on Fox-TV.
Stephen King
smoking jacket n. a loose-fitting, bubble-domed, tent-like garment equipped
with powerful air filters and 800ft retractable exhaust tubes, designed to
accommodate smokers in restaurants and other public gathering places.
art spiegelman
terrarism n. the popular movement that grew up in response to the ill-fated
war on terrorism of the early 21st century. Ending the cycles of violence
brought about by self-perpetuating bellicose responses to terrorism, the
movement became visible as international clusters of like-minded individuals
began working together against all odds for more equable redistribution and
preservation of the world's resources, thereby dismantling the impoverished
breeding grounds of terrorism. terrarists n. environmentalists, labour
organisers, doctors, teachers, scientists, social workers, journalists,
artists and writers, and, in rare instances, even lawyers devoted to
transcending parochial interests in order to work for the good of a global
community.
art flowerchilde spiegelman, minister of positive propaganda
terrorism n. 1 the unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a
person or an organised group against people or property with the intention
of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological
or political reasons. (American Heritage Dictionary) 2 cheating on a test.
Sixty of the 62 international terrorists, according to a March story in the
Philadelphia Inquirer, turned out to be Middle Eastern students who had
cheated on a test; specifically, they had paid others to take an English
proficiency exam required for college or graduate school. 3 unionisation of
educational employees. Education secretary Rod Paige called the National
Education Association, the nation's largest teachers union, "a terrorist
organisation". 4 a government unaligned with America. President George Bush
sent an ultimatum to the world's leaders today: "You are either with us or
you are with the terrorists."
Stephen Elliott
Two-State Solution n. from the 20th century name for a number of failed
proposals to solve the problem of Israel-Palestine by dividing the land into
a Jewish and an Arab state. Although this turned out to be impossible, the
term took on a new meaning when Israelis and Palestinians agreed in an
almost-unanimous binding 2017 referendum to leave the Holy Land en masse and
settle, respectively, in North Dakota and South Dakota. Generously funded by
an ecstatic world, the settlers were warmly welcomed in the US, where it was
hoped that these two creative and energetic peoples would revitalise the
nearly depopulated prairie states, now home mostly to buffalo, elderly
grandparents and retired nuns. In large measure these hopes have been
realised: today, the Dakotas are known for their greenhouse agriculture,
hi-tech medical centres, middle-east-west fusion cuisine (cf falafel-tuna
casserole), and national champion high-school chess and debating teams, as
well as for Koranic Inquiry, New Sufism, and the feminist Aisha Movement,
modernist forms of Islam that have largely replaced Wahhabism and other
fundamentalist sects around the globe. Perhaps most surprising, few among
these once bellicose ethnicities evince much nostalgia for the Holy Land,
which is governed as a UN protectorate and is mostly inhabited by shepherds,
archaeologists, and hermits.
Katha Pollitt
umbridge n. the commonly held indignation that brings together two or more
people. Previously known, less concisely, as "mutual outrage bridge".
Kevin Moffett
Utilitarianism n. a now-discredited political doctrine first espoused by
Lord Haliburton in the late 20th century, and widely popular in
fin-de-siËcle America, based on the notion that what is good for the biggest
private utility company is good for all. Anyone who doesn't understand that
deregulation is the best way to achieve utilitarianism is a Yale-educated
elitist.
Sue Halpern
voting n. a right, and, um, a responsibility.
Elizabeth Crane
'what the?' interj. utterance of Charles "Chubb Bub" Monroe, the oldest
living bachelor of Memphis, Tennessee, whose television set has just
exploded in the middle of ABC's Sunday night movie, Valley Of The Dolls,
specifically the part where Anne arrives in New York and lands a job in the
office of a big-time showbiz agent, whose secretary sees her and remarks, "A
BA from Radcliffe. It'll give the office tone."
Jessica Anthony
wind-truck n. a wheeled vehicle that carries wind. After American cities
went to wind power, but before the advent of artificial airstreams, these
devices were used to transport wind from atmospherically turbulent regions
(Texas, Maine) to wind-challenged areas (New Jersey). Massive wind-trucks -
some of which required hundreds of cubic litres of wind just to fill their
hundreds of tyres - would open their trunks like yawning mouths and take in
the breeze. Motorcades of such trucks would then drive to where the wind was
needed, back up to the windmill centres, and dump. Drivers of wind-trucks
wore special uniforms, not unlike those that used to be worn by aeroplane
pilots, when people still flew. It took the wind-truck three days to bring
what was consumed in a matter of minutes.
Jonathan Safran Foer
xyloscone 1 n. an edible musical instrument consisting of a graduated series
of hardened rich quickbreads cut into triangular shapes, hollowed, often
varnished, and usually struck with marzipan hammers. 2 n.any food rendered
musical through modification or play. 3 v. to physically transform one or
more common foods, often a set of graduated scones, into a musical
instrument, often a xylophone. 4 v. to make music with food, usually
consciously, and often for the purpose of competitive performance.
Brian McMullen
yidg n. one's romantic pair; older than a girl/boyfriend, less businesslike
than a partner, more fun than a spouse, less gooey than a lover. Don't even
mention "significant other".
Eli Horowitz
Zzzunday n. national holiday occurring once every 28 years, when a leap year
coincides with a Sunday. Zzzunday is celebrated with 24 hours of
uninterrupted sleep, in recognition of an entire generation's accumulated
sleep deficit. Secondary holidays have grown to immediately precede
Zzzunday, including Sleepless Friday, and a Hibernation Saturday of block
parties, children's sleepovers, and retail promotional sales of bed linens,
mattresses and pillows. Traditionally, insomniacs mark Zzzunday by going out
to a Chinese restaurant - if they can find one open that day.
Paul Collins
© McSweeney's Books, 2004.
· This is an edited extract from The Future Dictionary Of America, edited by
Jonathan Safran Foer, Dave Eggers, Nicole Krauss and Eli Horowitz, published
by Hamish Hamilton on November 4, priced £14.99. The book comes with a free
CD. To order a copy, for £14.24, with free UK p&p, call 0870 836 0875
(guardian.co.uk/bookshop).
Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2004
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